Eat That!
by im with the vampires3
Summary: Oh, no. The boys have been out hunting, and now they have stumbled across a garden... promised funnyness.
1. Chapter 1

**This was one of those 'i don't know where _that_ came from' sort of stories. I was making some spicy food in the kitchen and all of a sudden i'm like 'must write'. Impulse writting is interesting, so i hope you enjoy this and if it's not funny, give me a hint as to what could improve it. Oh, and if anyone would care to be a beta, please let me know. I could use one. Mine is in Colorado and i don't think she has access to a computer.**

**JPOV**

Emmett was on top of me before I could move out of the way. What was the use of having a mind reading brother when he won't give a fair warning? I suppose Emmett's excitement should have given his intentions away. I mean, he is Emmett.

Edward, of course was laughing at me. Sure, he won't give a warning, but that's no reason for him not to enjoy my struggling under Emmett, who was sitting on top of me with my head locked under his arm.

"I heard that," Edward said.

"Good! You were supposed to." I hooked my fist upward into Emmett's face and he let go, landing on his backside.

"Hey, no fair!" he called.

_He's about as indignant as a five year old who took another child's toy and had to give it back._

"Three," Edward said. "He's much too talkative to be five."

"Good point."

"Stop that right now," Emmett ordered. "Stop with the mind conversations." He was becoming aggravated with us.

"I think we should get our hunting over with," Edward said.

"Yes, the women will be wondering where we are," Emmett said. He was a little more than pleased at the thought of seeing Rosalie again.

My thoughts drifted to Alice. We had been out here for three days hunting. I couldn't wait to get home so that I could see her again.

First I would kiss her over and over, not stopping until she begged me to. Then I would take her up to our room and…

"STOP! Right there," Edward yelled. He alternated between glaring at me and Emmett. "Too much information."

Emmett shook his head. "We need to find you a woman, man."

I sighed. Edward was never interested. Not even the slightest bit of longing came from him. He seemed content in himself, not needing more, hence the hundred year old virgin.

"Unless you aren't into women. I mean, whatever it takes," Emmett said when he didn't respond.

"That's disgusting, Emmett," Edward muttered. "I am most definitely not gay."

"Are you sure?" Emmett persisted.

"Yes!" Edward snapped. "I'm sure."

I sighed and grabbed my either of my brothers' arms and dragged them through the trees. I had caught a whiff of grizzly and wanted to find it before it went too far.

We split up and circled the area it was in until we met where the bear was. Emmett attacked it and fought with it for a moment before knocking it out. "Shall we?"

"After you," Edward said.

Emmett looked over at me. "Jasper?"

I grinned. "If you insist." I ran forward and bit down into the bear's neck eagerly. I felt the hot blood running down my throat, savoring the sweet tang and satisfaction it gave me for the few minutes. I stopped and backed away, allowing Emmett to take his turn. Edward took the last of the blood and we all disposed of the body, careful not to leave any traces of what we had just done.

I licked my lips, removing any blood that might be there and sighed contentedly. "What next?"

"We could go home now," Emmett said. "Or…"

"Or we can explore more," I finished.

"Let's do it," he said.

Edward shrugged and we ran off in the direction of a river.

"Wow, check this out," Emmett called.

Edward was already running off in the direction of his voice and I followed after him.

I looked at the old cottage and grinned.

"Let's check it out," Emmett said.

"No one's home," Edward muttered.

"I don't think anyone's lived here for a while," I told them as I made my way up the stone walkway. "It looks like it's been here for years."

The lawn was overgrown with about fifty years of neglect.

We had no interest in what was inside at the moment. We walked around to the back of the house and Emmett grew excited. Edward seemed stressed. Not a very good thing.

"Check out the garden," Emmett called back to us.

"It's grown on its own. Look at that," he picked up a large squash that was about as big as his head. Quite an accomplishment, really for the squash.

Edward chuckled at my thoughts.

_Well, it's true._

He shrugged and glanced around the vegetable inhabited back yard. His eyes shot back to Emmett suddenly. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why not?" Emmett asked. "It'll be interesting."

"It's disgusting is why not. We'll have to get rid of it afterwards."

Emmett was becoming very interested in something. "What are you two talking about?"

"I want to see how much of this we can handle eating. I think it might be fun," he said.

I thought about it. It seemed interesting enough. But I wasn't particularly partial to human food lately. Actually the humans themselves were much more appetizing. I shrugged. _Just for fun, I guess._ "I'm in."

"Okay, then. I dare you to eat a bite of this squash," Emmett said and handed it to me.

I smelled it and grimaced. "Ew."

"You already agreed," he said. "Do it."

I halved it and bit into the flesh of the plant. I chewed and swallowed quickly and then gagged. "Nasty stuff," I muttered.

"Edward?" Emmett prompted.

Edward shook his head. "I don't think so."

"Aw, come on," Emmett said. "Don't tell me you're chicken."

"Hardly," Edward muttered. "I don't even like chickens."

Emmett started making clucking noises and I rolled my eyes. "Just do it, Edward."

He made a face and took the squash from me. "This is disgusting." He took a bite and swallowed without even bothering to chew it. "Gross."

"Your turn, Em," I said and Edward handed him the vegetable.

He took a bite and chewed it, then swallowed. His nose wrinkled, but he was enjoying himself.

**EPOV**

_I can't believe he's talked us into this,_ Jasper thought incredulously. _I mean, why? It's disgusting._

"I don't know," I answered. "It is rather disgusting." Like eating dirt in the human equivalent.

I glanced around and smirked when I saw the strawberries. I ran over, plucked three and tossed two up. Jasper and Emmett caught them easily and raised their eyebrows. "Jasper, you used to like these."

"And I don't anymore," he said.

"Eat that," I ordered.

He glared at me, but took a bite. _Yuck. I can't believe this. I did used to love strawberries, but this is just terrible! Ew, ew, ew… Still, it's not as bad as the stupid squash. _"Your turn."

Emmett and I looked at each other. _Why not?_ He bit into his and made a face. _Terrible!_

"Oh, what gave you that idea?" I muttered. I bit into the one I had and swallowed. "Definitely not my favorite."

Emmett ran over to a patch of watermelon.

He raised an eyebrow. "Shall we?"

"Very well, we shall," I said. This was absolutely disgusting, but if any of us backed out now, we would be marked as the coward. No way was that going to be me.

He pulled out a pocket knife, a rather large one at that, and cut into a small melon. He handed me a piece and grinned. "Eat that."

"You first, Jasper," I said.

"No, I must insist you go first," he said, sounding amused. _Go on._

"Come on, don't tell me the all powerful-needs-not-a-woman-Eddie is afraid to eat a little bite of watermelon. How disappointing," Emmett said.

I glared. "My name is _Edward,_ Emmett. Not Eddie."

I put the cube of watermelon in my mouth and chewed it deliberately slowly without making a face allowing myself to be the only a little repulsed by the awful taste. I swallowed it and smirked at his bewildered expression.

_Did you enjoy that?_ He asked. _Dude, that is so messed up._

"Your turn," I said and took his knife from him. I cut a chunk out of the melon, larger than my own, and shoved it in his mouth. He gagged on it and I laughed evilly. _Well, that's what he gets for calling me Eddie_. "And, no, I didn't enjoy it."

Jasper laughed as Emmett struggled to down the fruit. "My turn," he said and grabbed the knife. He cut an even larger piece off and ate it. _Anything to irk him, _he thought pleasantly._ This stuff tastes like sh-wait a minute. What's that?_

He ran off towards the opposite corner of the garden and grinned. "Ah, here are the tomatoes."

Emmett and I ran to join him. Cherry tomatoes. Small, but still completely dislikeable.

Jasper plucked one off of a plant and eyed it. He tossed it to Emmett finally with a wicked grin. "Eat that."

Emmett shoved it in his mouth and ate it. _Ugh. I think I might be sick soon._

"I have no doubt of that," I muttered.

Jasper tossed one in the air and caught it in his mouth, swallowed, and smirked. _That one wasn't so bad._

I rolled my eyes and took the tomato he offered. I ate it without complaint and looked around at the plants.

_Ah, the cucumber. This vegetable vaguely resembles a peni-_

"Stop with the narrative, Emmett," I growled.

_Fine._ He grinned wickedly. _Then I shall sing for you!_

"Oh, please don't," I moaned.

"Do you have a preference?" he asked.

"Don't sing at all, _that's_ my preference," I told him.

"Dun dun dun, dun _duh_-dun, dun _duh_-dun, dun dun dun, _dun_ duh-dun dun _duh_-dun."

"The Imperial March. How very original," I muttered. "Vader would envy you."

"Well, fine then, I'll actually sing something," he said. Oh, how predictable he was. "_No matter what you are, I will always be with you. Doesn't matter what you do girl, oo, girl, with you."_

Ugh. Seventies music. I fell to the ground with a thud. Emmett ran over to see what was wrong with me.

_Dude, what's wrong with you?_

See what I mean by predictable?

"Did he faint? I think he just-"

"Stop panicking. Emmett, that is impossible," Jasper said. "He's just being melodramatic."

I sat bolt upright. "You can listen to _that_ monstrosity of music and call me melodramatic? I think not."

"See what I mean?" Jasper asked.

"So, you think _that_ was bad," Emmett said. He pulled me up to stand and I followed him to where he walked next to Jasper.

_Green bean anyone?_ Jasper thought. "I suppose I'm first," he said. He tugged one off of the plant and ate it. _I wonder if this can kill us._

"I don't think so," I said. "It's just not that great tasting."

He tossed a pod to me. "Eat that." He smirked. We had found our challenge words for the evening.

Emmett picked himself one and we ate them at the same time.

"Yuck," he muttered.

"I second that. What's next?" I asked, looking around.

Jasper jumped up from where he sat and picked three berries off of a thorny bush. "Blackberries."

He handed each of us one and we all put the fruits in our mouths. It was the worst thing that I had tasted the entire evening.

Absolutely repulsive. No doubt. And my brothers clearly agreed.

They looked as though they had tasted something way too sour with the faces they made. We swallowed the fruit.

"Never again," Jasper said. "No more fruit."

"Agreed," Emmett and I said.

**EmPOV**

I jumped up into the tree that I was standing under and looked at my brothers. Edward was making no face whatsoever. He seemed to be enjoying himself for someone who had just eaten a variety of things that weren't so tasty.

Jasper did a couple of runs around the house before coming back.

_Edward, he didn't throw up, did he?_ I asked.

"No," he answered.

Jasper seemed to have noticed something interesting in the corner of the garden and so I jumped down and followed soon after Edward.

Jasper grinned and handed each of us a green pepper. "Jalapeños."

I exchanged a look with Edward. "Eat it."

He shook his head. "No way, you first."

Jasper raised his eyebrows. "Afraid of a little pepper are we? Well, if you think that a true Texan, raised with the flavors of Mexico, will outdo you then I suppose we're finished here."

"Then I guess the true Texan would like to do the honors?" Edward asked, drawling out the words Texas style.

Not like small, barely noticeable drawl most have, it was like the rancher style drawl. Like from the movies.

_Brilliant._

"Thank you," he said. "I thought so myself."

"Well, how about we do it at the same time?" Jasper said.

"Sounds fair," I said. _We'll wait until he goes._

"I suppose that could work," Edward said to Jasper, but meaning me.

"Okay." Japer grinned. "On the count of three."

We all counted together. "One…Two…Three!"

Nobody moved. Jasper smirked. "I knew you two would do that."

"Fine, fine," Edward said. "Let's just do it."

We all bit into the jalapeños.

And I thought the blackberries were bad. These actually stung.

We all managed to swallow somehow, but we also all ran for the river and jumped in about the same time. Edward and I rinsed our mouths out thoroughly. Jasper lay on the bottom of the river with his tongue lolling out.

_I wonder if Alice saw this coming,_ I thought.

Edward hissed. "She probably did." He groaned. "Never again."

Jasper swam up to meet us. "I second that."

"Sorry I suggested it," I said.

"Just don't suggest it again," Jasper said. He looked a bit green.

_Oh, crap. Edward, I think we're all-_

"_Way_ ahead of you," Edward said, pointing at Jasper.

Jasper ran for the bushes and threw-up the contents of his stomach.

I followed soon afterward, his control was slipping and I was feeling just as sick. It must have been build up from the three of us finally getting to him.

Edward ran after us and heaved up the human food we had just eaten along with the blood that had come before it.

"Let's go hunting again," he growled, just a touch of an I-told-you-so tone coming through his words. "We'll be running a little late for home."

We ran off into the forest. Again.

_My bad._

**Thanks for reading. Please review. I thrive on your feedback.**


	2. Chapter 2

**During all of that, back in the safety of their home… APOV.**

I clutched my sides, laughing so hard that if I were human, I would have been crying or throwing up, or both. I was rolling around on the ground, having seen what my brothers and Jasper were doing with only the few seconds of delay.

When I caught my breath, I ran into the living room and sat eagerly in front of Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle.

"You will never guess what the boys have been up to," I said, still spontaneously giggling every once in a while.

"What's that?" Esme asked.

"They were just hunting at first," I began with a hiccup. "And then they were finished and decided to explore. Then they were in a vegetable garden, well, it had fruit too, but you get the point. Emmett had the bright idea to try some of the things. Actually, they tried some of everything but…" I continued to tell them about each of the things that they had tried and the faces they had made, and even the dialogue in between.

By the end I had drawn up a clear enough picture that everyone was imagining Jasper lying on the bottom of a river, his tongue hanging out from the burning taste of the jalapeño. We were all having our fits of laughter together when the boys walked in, Edward in the lead.

We all just laughed harder. Edward looked bewildered, although I was sure he knew what we were laughing at. We couldn't think straight without our laughing interrupting our sentences.

"Sorry we're late," he said. "Clearly Alice filled you in." He turned his glare onto me. "Thanks for that."

I giggled. "You're welcome!"

He growled and ran up the stairs to his room.

Jasper was laughing with us, merely because our emotions were too strong to fight off. He finally left the room, cursing between random spurts of laughter. I knew I would fix his bad mood later tonight.

Emmett had totally forgotten what was going on and had Rosalie in his arms, carrying her upstairs.

I heard a cry of agony from the attic-aka, Edward's room-and laughed. Clearly they had plans.

I grinned at Esme and Carlisle before running Jazz's study.

He looked up over his history book and gave an angry 'humph' before returning to it.

I closed the door and walked over to him.

"What's the matter?" I asked, fluttering my eyelashes at him, jutting out my lower lip a little.

"Nothing," he mumbled without looking up.

"Why are you upset?" I persisted.

"You all laughed at us," he said. I saw a slight pout form on his lips and smiled.

Humility, anger and a bit of his good humor colored the air when he looked up at me. His lips twitched. He couldn't hold me off much longer. I was in a good enough mood for the both of us.

He set the book on his desk and opened his arms. I obediently sat on his lap, cupping his face in my hand.

"Don't be angry. You should have seen it from our point of view. Well, mine, really." I giggled as played with a strand of his longish blond hair. He was so_ cute_ when he was angry. He pouted when he was angry and his Texas accent showed a little more.

Alluring was the word that came to mind when describing Jasper. Especially when he was angry.

His eyes drifted shut as he savored what I was feeling. I had watched him do it numerous times when he was upset. I just sat there waiting. I didn't interrupt him. This was his process and it always seemed to work. He said that I was the light in the darkness that was his world. I watched as his features smoothed and calmed.

When his eyes opened, they were hungry. I smiled, knowing this was the one kind of hunger I would be able to satiate for him completely.

For tonight, anyway.


End file.
